SUICIDAL STRAIN
I wrote these songs at 17–18 and only managed to bring them to life decades later
Suicidal Strain began long before it became an album. The songs were written between 1997 and 1999, at a time when I had only a piano, my voice, and a cassette recorder. I played, sang, and recorded everything live in one take. No arrangements, no technology, no way to “fix it later”. These were raw moments, emotions, and melodies captured exactly as they were, with no real chance back then to sound the way I imagined them. For many years, this material was waiting. I always wanted to bring these songs to life in a modern form, but I never had the time, the tools, or the knowledge to do it properly. Two years ago, that finally changed. I started learning FL Studio from scratch, along with mixing, mastering, sound design, and working with sample libraries. Slowly, piece by piece, the album began to take shape. The process was rarely linear. I experimented constantly, trying sounds, discarding them, rebuilding songs, and sometimes ending up with results far better than what I originally imagined. Musically, Suicidal Strain does not belong to a single genre. Piano is usually the starting point, but from there the music can move freely: rock, orchestral arrangements, jazz fusion, punk, or purely classical compositions with no electric instruments at all. I am not interested in staying within stylistic boundaries. I care more about transitions, contrasts, and dynamics. Calm sections can suddenly become aggressive, chaos can collapse back into silence, and songs are allowed to change direction completely if that feels right. This album was never meant to be background music. Atmosphere, melody, rhythm, lyrics, and silence between sounds are all equally important. It asks for attention. Ideally, it should be listened to as a whole, in headphones, alone, without distractions. The album has an internal structure and recurring details. For example, the first and last tracks share the same ending phrase, played in different ways. Lyrically, the songs revolve around depression, inner conflict, strained relationships, emotional isolation, and conversations with oneself and with emptiness. The lyrics sit somewhere between direct and abstract. The overall meaning is clear, but the deeper layers remain personal. This is not about shock value or posing. It is simply a reflection of a period and a state of mind as it existed then. The sound of the album is not intentionally dirty or lo-fi, but it is human and imperfect. Everything was recorded in my home studio with the tools I had. I am aware of the limitations, and I accept them. Waiting for technical perfection would have meant never releasing this album at all. Suicidal Strain is my attempt to finally finish something that started more than twenty years ago.
